Life Must Go On...Not In The Best Of Ways

So my boyfriend … we’ve been off and on … he talks about girls all the time … some i know and some i dont know … but i mean all the time … is it to make me jealous? … or dose he not notice … or do i just have no trust in anyone? … well i dont know … all i know is that it really bothers me … for halloween hes going with my enemy our guy friend … and he wants me to come … but im most deff positive my mom wont let me … i mean yeah i might walk off with him … but just the though of her being there worries me … because i feel like every girl he’s with an talks about … he flirts with them or they flirt with him … hmm? maybe it’s just both … jealousy n’ trust issues …it’s completley nerve recking …

I Have So Many Things To Worry About … Most Of The Things I Have No Control Over But I Still Worry … People Say “Oh,Its Not Worth It To Worry About Something You Can’t Change Have Radical Acceptance Towards It You Cant Change The Situation Or The Person.” … But I Still Try No Matter What Anyone Say’s It Won’t Change A Thing … My Own Therapist Knows Me The Best … When I Told Her Everything About My Dad And How Mad,Angry,Torn,Depressed I Was … She Had Nothing To Say … I’ve Said This Before But I’ll Say It Again …

“If I Cut I Let People Down And Hurt Them , If I Kill Myself Im Leaving Family,Friends To Deffend For Themselves”

Honestly … I WANT TO CUT … I WANT TO DIE … BUT SOMETHING , SOMEONE IS HOLDING ME BACK I DONT KNOW WHAT … I Just Want To Be Happy Feel Better … But Yet Everyday I Have A New Course,Road,Path To Take … It Can Go On For Minutes,Hours,Days,Months,Years … My Biggest Road … Life …

But Now That Im Sortta Over My Dad … I Asked My Mom Why Her Boyfriend Was Still Here He Was Supposed To Leave Friday She Said “He’s Waiting For His Check So He Can Help Us Out” … My Mom And Her Boyfriend Are Taking A Break … Because My Mom’s Trying To Keep Herself On Track And Not To Get Depressed … So Now I Have To Worry About Money … If My Dad Dosen’t Pay Child Support … Who Know’s We Could End Up On The Street’s … My Grandparent’s Pay Our Bills And My Moms Brother’s Bills And Our Houses … They’re Running Out Of Money … They’re Income Is Lower And Lower Every Year …

Im Honestly Starting To Fall Apart All Over Again … Im Litteraly Breaking … But I Have To Be Here For Everyone … I Have To Show That Im Strong Even Though Im Really Not … I Wanted To Get My Hair Done For My Birthday … With My Own Birthday Money … But Im Giving It To My Mom So We Can Afford A Small Christmas … I Wanted All My Family To Come Over For A Party For My Birthday … But I Dont Know If That Can Even Happen …

What Am I Gonna Do …

Now That Im On My Own?

rebellious-rose:

(Source: monster1995)

So my dad called me earlier and told me that he wanted to come get me and my brother to see our new baby brother whos like a week old on friday afternoon … thats the day him and my mom have court over child support … im freaking out so bad right now … i wanted to talk to him about my feelings and how i hate the way he treats us (all his children and my mom) … i do NOT! want to say anything to his face … even if i do tell him how i feel he blames it on my mom … ughhhh … ive had such a bad day worrying about what will happen this friday … this was one of the worst days ever … i just dont know what to do … like i dont want him in my life … i say that … but hes my dad i really do … i want to be in his life for my brothers and sisters … i dont know what to do ohh myy godd … i had the worst panic attack yesterday so bad that i had a seizuier … because i was worrying too much … i just want to break down crying … i really wish he wouldve grown up some before he had another child i dont want my baby brother growing up without a good father like me and my broters and sisters were raised … i dont know how im supposed to deal with this … school and other issues i have … i see my therapist tomorrow thank god! … i just oh my lord! … i just need a break from EVERYTHING! … i dont think thats gonna happen though … the only way it will is if i kill myself … but then i leave everyone to deffend themselves … theres really no way out of this …

sure is … DAD!!!! … RIGHT?!?!? …

so my dad owes me and my brother eh about 35 thousand EACH! is never payed child support in his life … so i over heard my mom talking to her friend about it so i start freaking out … when she gets off the phone she say’s “Your Dad Just Lied To The People At Court About His Child Being Born” … My New BabyBrother … my baby borther was born last saturday and THAT morning he was born my dad calls the court saying “I Cant Travel Because My gGrlfriend Could Give Birth To My Son Any Day Now” … how in the fuck could you lie about your own child being born … all i have to say is … DAD GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS STEP UP THE FUCKING PLATE AND ACT LIKE A DAMN FATHER … BUT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN … STOP BEGGING FOR ANTTENTION … STEOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING KID … IF THIS CONTINUES .. I DONT CARE IF YOU GO TO JAIL … YOU WILL NOT BE IN MY LIFE … BUT I WILL BE IN YOURS FOR MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS …